Whoever said 30 was the new 20 was lying….

I had some thoughts, so I put them into a blog format 🙂 I am sure there are plenty of grammar errors and sentences that don’t make sense, but oh well 🙂

Well, as the seconds tick down to the last final hours of my 20s, I reflected back on my 20s a bit. Lots of good things happened and lots of growth physical (due to pregnancy) and mentally (good and not so good ways). After much thought, there is no way in hell I want to re-live my early 20s. Nothing bad happened but lots of emotional termoil to sift through and tears that I would rather not have to relive.

But to focus on the positives, here are my 20s in a nutshell.
~Got my bachelors (2007)
~Got my Doctorate (2010)
~Got a good job in with my degree (2010)
~Met the love of my life (2005)
~Married to the love of my life (I know so cliche) (2010)
~Bought a house (2010)
~Bought 2 new used cars, ones that actually have power locks/windows and heat/air conditioning. And radios that work and trunks that open (2010 and 2013)
~Got a cute dog (2010)
~Had a cute baby girl (2013)
~ran multiple 5ks, 10ks, half marathons, multiple mud runs, and a MARATHON!
~Joined roller derby (2014)

There are just a few of the fun bullet points in my 20s.

The best of my 20s happened in the last year and half, with giving life to a human child, running, and roller derby.

Giving life was no easy task. I knew the moment I was pregnant that I would be in for a rough year or two mentally because I knew there was going to be a time of redefining and figuring out who I was again, but I had no idea the extent of it really. It continues to be a struggle daily pending on my mood and how whiney my 16 month old daughter is. It’s a good thing she is cute. Toddlers are like sour patch kids, they are sour then sweet, over and over and over again until nap time/bedtime (which sometimes continues into bed time). But there are so many moments where she melts my heart. Like when she finally starts to use a sign I have been trying to teach her for months or the random kisses/hugs she gives or the random dance parties in the living room. She doesn’t even know it but she has helped me see what aspects of myself I need to change and also what aspects of myself that are just fine. Having a child is like being put under a microscope with a 1,000x zoom and with someone with low self esteem and confidence, this was NOT a good thing. I struggled daily and still do but it is not as bad. This gives way into my running world.

Running was my first outlet/break from being a mommy. It was my ME time. I had just finished my first half marathon in 2012, and then 2 weeks later, I found out I was pregnant. I kept running for a bit but then winter hit and I got lazy and I was in a constant state of fatigue for months. Got bigger and more comfortable from being pregnant, you know the usual. Then finally in Dec of 2013 (5 months after my daughter was born), I decided to get back into the running game. I decided to run at least 1 race a month. I know, crazy to do that, since I live in a state where is snows from November until April. That year was particularly cold. But I am and was stubborn enough to follow through and not give up on that goal. My first race was just walking, the second a bitterly cold race where I ran most of it and got told from an old guy that “you run a pretty good pace for a bigger girl.” Thanks old guy? I knew he meant well and I just laughed. So after at least 6 5ks, 1 8k, 2 10ks, 2 half marathons, a 4 mile race, a 5 mile mud run, and a FULL marathon, I have just about completed my one race a month. I have one more race in December before my once race a month is done. Running a full marathon was HARD physically and mentally. It took me just under 7 hours. Knee pain and mental fatigue made me almost quit multiple times. But the bottom line is that I FINISHED! I will continue on my running adventures, especially because I will be running multiple races with my lovely derby ladies, which leads me into my next grand adventure in the last year.

Ahhhh, roller derby. This sport came into my life when I needed it most. Feeling lost after becoming a mommy, lacking self esteem/confidence, physical not fit and needing/wanting to get my body back after baby, I decided joining roller derby was a good idea. I don’t think I was prepared of all the emotions that came from starting derby. There were weeks of frustration, weeks of self doubt, weeks of not feeling good enough, until finally, one day about halfway through bootcamp something clicked. A switch was flipped and the negatives turned into positives, self doubt turned into confidence. My attitude of self doubt and low self esteem started to turn into a confident strong women. I am still a work in progress, but overall, my view of myself has been altered for the better. My body and mind have been transformed since starting this sport. Hard to put that into words currently. Many tears and laughs have gotten me to where I am today. Lots of stubbornness, determination, and hard work have gotten me through. And the best thing, my journey is not over yet.

As 30 approaches, I KNOW there are great things planned for myself and my family. I finally feel like I have somewhat on a grasp on life. A grasp onto who I am and who I want to be. A grasp on being OK with where I am as a person and willingness to grow. Somewhat of a grasp on raising a child. I have become better at being ok with having faults and celebrating my quirkiness. I have gotten better with forgiving myself and showing myself grace for when I am not perfect (which is often). I have a family that loves me, a husband who has always fully supported me in everything I have done and wanted to do. My 30s are going to freaking rock.

I already have grand plans for my next decade of life, such as, being a bouting roller derby player and trying to train and complete a triathlon. Everyone always seems that turning 30 sucks, but I see it as a beautiful thing and I can’t wait to see what my 3rd decades has in store for me.

Who cares…

While waiting for the bus I started to think about all the chores and the never ending “to do” list for this evening , weekend, and everyday. I started to get overwhelmed by all the things I think I HAVE to get done. Then I thought, who really gives a s#%!.

Not anyone in particular except me. Does the little monster care that the dishes aren’t done or the car is a mess? Nope she just wants to play and pick up all the crumbs that are everywhere and taste them and throw them. Does my husband care that he must retrieve his clothes from the dryer or laundry basket? Probably not. He is probably thankful that he has clean clothes to wear.

What it really comes down to is that we as women, wives, and mothers take it upon ourselves to make our never ending “to do” list longer than it needs to be. No one cares about your dishes or your dirty clothes all over the floor. No one cares that your grass isn’t mowed once a week. It’s time to take these expectations we place on ourselves to be “super mommy” or “super wifey” or “super women” and throw that crap out the window because the main thing is, are you happy? Is your family happy? Is your child having the time of their life playing in dirt, crumbs, and 12 in tall grass? Is the answer is yes, then you are doing just fine.

Find the beauty in the imperfections of life. Giggle at the ridiculous things your children or spouse do because in the grand scheme of things, that is what’s important.

So next time you get stressed because the house is a mess, ask yourself, who really cares because I am sure no one really does 🙂

Derby is redefining me more than I imaged…..

Well, my blog posts have been, well, infrequent. Between being a mommy, wife, working full time, trying to keep the house at a somewhat presentable appearance, knee deep in laundry, and doing roller derby, blogging has not been a priority.

So here is the scoop.

Work is going ok. Started a new computer documentation system and that is taking some time, but not as bad as I thought.

Lily, she is getting sooooo big. She is nearing 11 months old and it crawling all over the place, taking steps here and there, saying “dadadadadadadada and mamamamamamama and trying to say dog and making high pitched sounds like a dog bark. She is my life and I love her more everyday. Even at 4am when she wakes up. I remember to try to enjoy the snuggles, as those snuggles will not always be there and I am reminded of the good ol Darius Ruker song, “It won’t be like this for long” Makes me cry every time I hear it or even think about it. She is opening my eyes to lots of things and lots of things I need to change or at least work on.

Sam, is he awesome. He is so patient and kind with me during this, what I would say is a transitional period in my life. Nearing 30, having a kid, working, having a mortgage, having to make adult decisions, and joining roller derby, you can say life has been a little different. I could not ask for a better husband or father.

Derby, is awesome. It is tough, challenging and rewarding. I had no clue what derby would be doing in and for my life when I started. I am seeing my weakness being forced into the open, but also finding strength through all this. Every practice is a mental battle with myself, with my brain, and with my confidence. I have days where I am on top of the world and others (like today) where I feel defeated and needing the encouragement of others to help reinforce what I know deep down.  The women on this derby league are fantastic and every one has a story, a struggle, and tons of courage and strength. I love connecting with these women on a weekly basis. I am being broken down to be rebuilt into a women that is stronger and more beautiful that ever, but defiantly a work in progress. The lessons I am learning in derby will and are flowing over to other aspects of life. There is a quote I found on pinterest that states “we find roller derby during transitional periods…. we ruin our bodies to save our souls and for some reason that makes sense” That could not be more true. 

Running, is going ok. Had a bout of right knee pain that was more than likely IT band issues. I will be hopefully running tomorrow and we shall see how the knee feels. Full marathon training starts soon and I can’t be having knee problems. I plan on running a 5K on July 4th and then running a 10 min race in Aug and a mud run with lots of mom’s in Sept, then the full in Oct. BUSY BUSY with running. Totally scared about the full, but I WILL GET IT DONE!

Well there is my life in a nutshell again. Until next time……

Figuring out how to deal…

So here we are…..My mood has improved silghtly. I think the warmer sunny weather helps. And I have realized over the last week some things I am missing. 

1. LAUGHTER! I have not had much laughter in my life recently. I have let work, being a mom, wife, and trying to be super at all of them has been draining me to no end. I had a great laughing session with some of my derby girls and it was awesome. I went into derby that night being grumpy gus and left with a smile on my face. Those girls have no idea what they did for me that night and my mood. Hopefully I can repay you ladies somehow. Laughter can be so uplifting and release endorphins that make you feel good. Laughter makes you lose who you are and where you are at the moment and it is wonderful. So I just need to laugh more and find ways to let the laugher come into my life

2. VENTING to someone other than my husband. So I have been a person to surround myself with people and a group of close friends, which has been lacking since moving to Michigan and getting married. It is sooooo much harder to connect with people and find someone after college life. I was stuck in my college and grad school life for so long after graduating and wanting those friends and those times to be prolonged. I still have those friendships from college but they are different due to distance and living our lives in the moment we are in. I am still working on finding a group here in Michigan to vent or just talk things out or get advice from someone about the smallest issue. Which has only gotten worse after having a baby. It takes time to invest into a friendships and time to spend with people and that has proven to be difficult. 

And the one thing I have been missing hugely….has been 

3. GOD. I have read a sign from a local church that states something like this “Is God your co-pilet, if not switch seats” The first time I read it, I was like that is so cheesy. The 2nd, 3rd, …….8th time I read this saying, it started to sink in more and more, that I was not letting God take the seat that He should. I am trying to control too much and not letting God work out his plan. I always have this problem. I give things up to Him, then I am like no just kidding, I got this and can do it on my own. It has been a cycle for a number of years now and I know this cycle needs to stop. I know I need to make time for God in my day but I keep making excuses and not making it happen. He needs to be a priority in my life and has taken a back burner. Now that I realize this, I need to make the change. *sigh* change, never been my strong point. 

I have also realized I appreciate people being real with me. Stop giving me what you think I want to see and give me the real you. Your real life. Especially as a mother, share you struggles. Because sometimes thats all I need. Sometimes it is just sooooo nice to hear that someone else has struggled, someone else has broken down over the many things that us parents break down about. I value being real and not putting on the front of being the perfect mom. 

 

I hope with this weather. My mood will improve and with starting to redefine myself will help me become a better person, mother, wife, and PT. I still know this will not be an easy process. But the core of me is still there, it is just buried under piles of junk and clutter that has collected and not been dealt with. Just need to clear it out and do some spring cleaning. Keep what is important and trash what is not needed. If only it was that easy. 


 

“Amber is not as fun as she used to be”…….Ouch

Well…..my weekend did not start off well. A comment was made that did not settle well with me and sent me on a spiral. A tangent that has been looming for many months…..Who have I become?? What makes me ‘Amber’? What am I passionate about? *sigh*

When someone makes a comment “You are not the same as you used to be” “you are not as fun as you used to be,” I tend to be like well DUH, that person you are talking about was 21 and life was different at that time. The responsibilities that you have when you are 18-20 are nothing compared to when you are a 29 year old nearing 30 with a job, house, husband, and a daughter that you are trying to not corrupt before she leaves the crib.

Becoming a mom has been a very challenging but rewarding experience. When I found out I was pregnant, I knew my life would be changing in ways I could not imagine and I knew that a soul searching time would likely be needed. Well….that time has come. It has been brewing for well over a year and it has finally come to a head. I feel myself becoming jaded, negative, unhappy, depressed at times….yadda yadda yadda. This reminds me of how I felt in middle school, brings up teenage feelings of discovery and we all remember how that was. My responsibilities have significantly changed. It is no longer about ME (which has been the hardest adjustment), it has become about Lily and being the best mom and person and example as I can be. Imperfections are magnified x100 when a child is brought into the equation.

Adding working mom to my resume has been over whelming and exhausting is so many ways. And the guilt that looms over me daily, well just sucks and I don’t know how to deal with it.

I know this is such a whiny post, but I created this post and started this back up as an outlet. I need an outlet. And maybe having a public blog will satisfy some of the need to have an outlet. It is amazing to me that while being surrounded by people on a daily basis, I still feel secluded. In reflection of that feeling of seclusion, I have somewhat done that to myself. Trying to find where I fit in this world as a new working mom. I know, 1st world problems here. I know life my complaints are not even close to being horrible, but can’t deny emotions. 

Running has been a decent outlet of emotions, but finding time to do that has been interesting. Now I have embarked on becoming a roller derby mom. Which I have enjoyed practices, but even with derby practice, it just seems to amplify the negativity that has encompassed my brain. Though at practice, I am not a PT, I am not a wife, I am not a mom, I am just a newbie skater trying not to fall on my @$$. Kind of freeing is a way to not have to wear the many hats that have become me over the past 5-10 years. I have one hat and that is a helmet, that simply has my birth given name and hopefully will soon display my derby name, my alter ego, haha. 

So questions to think about….. Who have I become??? What are you passionate about??? Are the core values still there??? And why should I care about what others think about me and who I have become??? I am reluctantly opening my brain, heart, and soul to changing and to self evaluation no matter how it will feel. This is a quote from the movie “Fight Club” that always sticks with me, “without pain and sacrifice, we would have nothing.” Growing up is not easy to do but we all must do it. Growing pains are a part of life. With that being said, I shall go for now and eat my sorrows away with a few cupcakes 🙂 

Nothing too exciting…

Well Hello All,

So my weekly writing plans, well have not worked out….so setting a goal for writing every 2-4 weeks on this thing. Haha. Going to be a short one. No witty thoughts running through my head. Running is going so-so. Very much a mental game than a physical game at this point. But I have to keep on keeping on. 54 days until 1st half of the year and 82 days until the 2nd. So must keep running……

Roller derby is going well, again more of a mental mind game. Going to take a lot of hard work, but totally fun and something new and working muscles that have not been worked in a LONG time!!

Sam and I had our first night out and away from Lily allllll night this past weekend. Was hard but oh so nice to have the time together and not to have to feel responsible for a tiny human for one night. We will be doing that again but for a week when we head to NC for the week at the end of April and Lily will get to spend time with grandparents and momma and daddy will get time to feel what it was like before having a kid. I would not change anything for the world, but it is nice to get away. And it is good for Lily as well.

So on that note…happy monday

Well, life has changed a bit since the last post….2 years ago

So here I sit, relaxing while the baby sleeps when I should be doing laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, cooking on my day off. Instead I decided to start blogging again. I have a very cute 7 mouth old daughter, who is my world and who I hear every so sweetly talking to herself as she is waking from her nap. I have embarked on a journey of motherhood since I last updated, that was not so pretty at the beginning due to the over whelming emotions that flooded me when I found out I was pregnant and then when she arrived it finally hits you that you are responsible for a tiny human. Finally 7 mouths later, our new normal has been laid out and it is good, most of the time. I def would not change a thing, but it has been challenging. Very thankful for supportive friends and family. 

 

I have also embarked on new fitness goals and other sport. I plan on running at least 2 half marathons this year, a full marathon, and at least one race a month until Dec 2014. I also have decided to try my hand at roller derby 🙂 Mind you, I have not really skated since I was like 12 years old. So this should be interesting. I went to what they called Raw Meat on weds and it was awesome. I have never seen such a diverse group of women of all ages come together and have a good time and be supportive. No one cared where you came from or your experience level. They made me feel sooooo welcome, which is something I needed as I transitioned into motherhood and somewhat losing who you were beforehand. It is a fresh start, which is nice. Looking forward to going to, what they call Fresh Meat Boot camp starting this Sunday. It will be 2 days a week until July 30th. I am hoping I don’t hurt myself 🙂 

 

In reguards to my races so far, I did one on December 29th, January 26th, and February 15th. All 5Ks and the next one is March 29th. It is a tu-tu run and plan on taking the little one in the jogging stroller if this cold weather and SNOW go away….Ugh!

 

Well on that note, I am outta here. Time to get the little one.